Becoming Holy

Where the light enters…

on October 21, 2013

sunrise - Copy

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”  These words are so fitting this time of year. Bear with me as I make my way through this week. Time to reexamine the wound of grief.  All month I’ve been picking at the corners of the band-aid…trying to see if this year I could maybe ease it off bit by bit.  You know~sort of a slow progress approach with the goal of not feeling any pain or hurting my heart or any of that sticky business! (As my Aunt Anna would call it!) However, the band-aid has been on for 18 years, removed and reapplied~sometimes I think with superglue~so as to make the following years’ removal all the more painful. Well. Here we are. I’m two cups of coffee into the morning and it isn’t even seven o’clock.  The neck knot has added shoulder pain and sort of a continuous headache this past week. 

Timeout.  Intermission.  Have you listened to the words of Tenth Avenue North’s “Healing Begins?” I cry and heal each time I listen. It’s all about striving to present a perfect image to the world, building up walls, letting the walls drop and being vulnerable.  It’s about light and dark and letting the light of Christ work healing. Please check it out.

A friend who has recently lost her sweet mom and I were talking about grief and my sharing it in this forum. Being honest about how awful grief is means being vulnerable. The walls are down and there is a complete revealing of the soul. Part of me wants to “dress it up” and sound really together.  You know.  The “I’ve got this” kind of mentality.  The voice of experience. The “Time heals all wounds” myth. But honestly, I can’t do that. It’s not fair to anyone around me going through loss, wondering why things AREN’T better. Wondering why the loss continues to hurt. Time certainly helps but complete healing is the stuff of Eternity. 

Thinking of processing this one day at a time…1years ago today, it was Saturday.  I was so thankful Joe was home for the weekend. Jordan was four years old. Jennifer’s third birthday was coming up in two weeks. Gabbie was nine weeks old. I was REALLY, REALLY tired. I was working on sewing a sweet little Pocahontas costume for Jordan to wear trick or treating. Jennifer’s would be sewn next OR she would wear a sweet little furry Holstein cow costume.  The girls had worn them the year before and they were snug and warm. Gabbie was going to be a pumpkin. It was hard to get any sewing done. Jennifer had just had surgery to place a feeding tube in August.  She was finally putting on weight but her oxygen saturation was down. Gabbie had severe jaundice and had to be taken to the Clinic every other day for blood work. Jordan was excited about her costume and we were going to shop for a Pocahontas turtleneck to wear underneath the suede dress to keep her warm. There was a lot to get done. There was a lot that wouldn’t get done. Looking back, we had no idea it was our last Saturday together.  The following Saturday would be little Jennifer’s funeral…

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10 responses to “Where the light enters…

  1. Lisa says:

    BIG {{HUGS}} to you!!

  2. Lisa says:

    BIG {{HUGS}} to you!!!

  3. Loretta poxleitner says:

    My heart goes out to you in your pain, Charlene. Prayers for continued healing. God bless you and your family. Thanks for sharing.

  4. Wendy Nuxoll says:

    My dear Sister-in-law, I will be praying for you (and all of your wonderful family) extra this week. We love you.

  5. Alison Mattson says:

    Blessings my dear! Sending love your way!!!!

  6. Alison Mattson says:

    Just bought the cd for Josh for his birthday 🙂

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